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Streetplay Presidential Pentathlon section guide

• Pentathlon 2000 home
• Current standings
• Rules and disclaimer
• Streetplay humor section
• Pentathlon discussion area

Pentathlon news
• 3/9: Bradley & McCain quit, clash
• 3/7: Gore flicks a winner
• 2/21: Bradley, handball ace
• 2/14: McCain hops to victory
• 2/10: Forbes cashes out
• 2/4: Bauer falls out
• 2/2: Bush takes marbles
• 1/28: Events moved up
• 1/26: Hatch quits race

The candidates
• Bill Bradley (D)out of race
• Al Gore (D)
• Gary Bauer (R)out of race
• George W. Bush (R)
• Steve Forbes (R)out of race
• Orrin Hatch (R)out of race
• Alan Keyes (R)
• John McCain (R)out of race

 trash can: quit race

The events
• 2/2: Marbles
• 2/14: Hopscotch
• 2/21: Handball
• 3/7: Skully
• 3/14: Stickball



McCain jumps on competition in hopscotch


When you put your hand into a pile of goo that was your best friend's face, you'll know what to do

McCain, about Bush, invokes Patton: "We're going to hold onto him by the nose and we're gonna kick him in the ass. We're going to kick the hell out of him all the time and we're gonna go through him like crap through a goose."
click for audio (101 Kb)

JAMAICA, NY (Streetplay newsfeed, 2/14/2000) - In the second event of the Presidential Pentathlon, hopscotch, Republican candidate John McCain fought through the adversity of an injured knee he'd suffered earlier playing in the marbles competition to squeeze out a hard-fought victory over runner-up Al Gore and third place "Dollar" Bill Bradley. The exultant McCain basked in the adulation of supporters who chanted, "no pain, no gain, vote McCain," as he hopped his way to today's win.

Elated by the last-place showing of his Republican opponent, George W. Bush, McCain's post-game remarks were punctuated by the trash talk that has typified him in recent days, in striking contradiction to the "no negative campaigning" stand he espoused last week. Of Bush's prosepcts in the Pentathlon, he scoffed, "I'm going to beat him like a drum." Bush had no reaction to McCain's rhetoric; he shrugged his shoulders and laughed as he got into a limosine and left.

When asked why the Democrats have had a relatively poor showing until this point in the Pentathlon, Bill Bradley commented, "It has nothing to do with being a Democrat or Republican. My wheels [knees] are shot, and my ticker just couldn't take the jumping around hopscotch demands." Gore, who proved a tenacious opponent but faded in the end as he slipped on a sliver of ice on the hopscotch board, echoed the sentiment, emphasizing that he "never saw too much ice in Tennessee when I played hopscotch with the girls."
 

Hillary reacts to Gore falling down
Clinton: "Forbes didn't even try to bribe me. Why's that, Rudy?"
Today's competition was held in the Jamaica section of Queens, NY, in a parking lot at St. John's University. While an early morning rain threatened to move the event indoors, the skies cleared just as hopscotch referee Hillary Clinton arrived late at the hopscotch venue. Said Mrs. Clinton, "when you said Jamaica, I thought you meant someplace else. Luckily, Air Force One hadn't taken off yet, so here I am." Clinton reiterated that, since it is Valentine's Day, she "had the whole day free anyway."

Making a surprise appearance at today's event was Steve Forbes, who withdrew from the presidential race four days ago in the wake of what has become known as "marblegate," his alleged attempt to influence the outcome of the Pentathlon through bribery. Forbes observed the contest sitting next to Streetplay.com spin-doctor Hugh McNally. Neither would comment on what they spoke of during the match.

A final note came from today's fourth place finisher, all-but-forgotten candidate Alan Keyes. "I know everyone expects me to withdraw after next week's handball competition. That may be true, but there is a moral imperative for me to perform to my best until my inevitable withdrawl."


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