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Streetplay Presidential Pentathlon section guide

• Pentathlon 2000 home
• Current standings
• Rules and disclaimer
• Streetplay humor section
• Pentathlon discussion area

Pentathlon news
• 3/9: Bradley & McCain quit, clash
• 3/7: Gore flicks a winner
• 2/21: Bradley, handball ace
• 2/14: McCain hops to victory
• 2/10: Forbes cashes out
• 2/4: Bauer falls out
• 2/2: Bush takes marbles
• 1/28: Events moved up
• 1/26: Hatch quits race

The candidates
• Bill Bradley (D)out of race
• Al Gore (D)
• Gary Bauer (R)out of race
• George W. Bush (R)
• Steve Forbes (R)out of race
• Orrin Hatch (R)out of race
• Alan Keyes (R)
• John McCain (R)out of race

 trash can: quit race

The events
• 2/2: Marbles
• 2/14: Hopscotch
• 2/21: Handball
• 3/7: Skully
• 3/14: Stickball



Bradley follows bouncing ball, takes event


DiCaprio's got nothing on me

Victorious Bradley: "I'm the king of the world!"
click for audio (31 Kb)

CONEY ISLAND, NY (Streetplay newsfeed, 2/21/2000) - In the third event of the Presidential Pentathlon, Democratic candidate "Dollar" Bill Bradley scored his first victory in today's handball event. He outclassed the competition not with footspeed or ball-hitting ability, but with an uncanny knack of knowing where the ball would bounce. Said Bradley, "Of course I won. This is the first event that even resembles a real sport. You see, I know what happens when a rubber ball bounces." In what has been typical of recent presidential campaigning, Bradley continued in a torrent of trash talk highlighted by his throwing his arms in the air, proclaiming, "I'm the king of the world." Bradley is now the overall leader in the Pentathlon (see current standings).

Second place finisher Vice President Al Gore, upon seeing Bradley's display, said, "Yeah, 'king of the world,' right. Titanic-boy is going down at the end of this movie, too!" Gore's runner-up finish put him in a 3-way tie for second place overall in the Pentathlon with Republicans George W. Bush and John McCain.

Republican Alan Keyes, whose showing in recent primaries has been in the single-digit percent range, salvaged some honor by taking third place. "Some may characterize my showing today as a Pyrrhic victory at best. Allow me to remind you all that, should my campaign fail, I am the only candidate who has a radio career to fall back on."

Republican primary frontrunners Bush and McCain didn't perform well, coming in a distant fourth and fifth. While Bush cited exhaustion from the recent campaign's struggles, McCain offered another explanation. "I was training for Chinese handball, not this." McCain's staff later issued a clarification of this statement, saying that Chinese handball is "what McCain calls the game 'Ace-King-Queen,' as do many others, and was not meant as an ethnic slur." An aide who asked to remain nameless added, "please don't open up this thing again," referring to recent remarks McCain has made about his captors in his Vietnam POW days (read more coverage on Salon.com).
 

John Malkovich eyes the event
Malkovich: "Being John Malkovich got 3 Oscar nominations, none of them for me. What's up with that?"
The handball competition was held the at same Coney Island court where today's referee, actor John Malkovich, filmed scenes for his upcoming movie Knockaround Guys in October 1999. When asked why he was the referee, he explained, "I was told we had to reshoot a few things. I guess I was being used." Malkovich was seen during the event holding his head in his hands, wincing in pain, saying "it's my head," as he did in a scene of the movie Being John Malkovich. It is unknown whether he was in real pain or rehearsing for an appearance in the upcoming Academy Award presentation. Full disclosure: JM Incorporated is a major investor in Streetplay.com.

Another celebrity appearance at the handball tournament was singer/actress Jennifer Lopez. Arriving in a stretch Hummer with Streetplay.com mouthpiece and fellow Bronx native Hugh McNally, she explained her reason for coming: "I met the Streetplay guys at a party at Steve Forbes' house. They asked me to come, so I figured, 'why not... beats the heck out of getting shot at in nightclubs.'"


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